SOONER OR LATER, as my advice helps you rise through society like a bubble of marsh gas, you will find yourself lookin' at a table covered in glasses (if you're looking at a table covered in glass, you have probab'ly strayed into one of those bars I mentioned earlier and it is time to call someone 'sir'). There will also be more cutlery around your plate than your mother owned. The advice used to be to start with the eating irons that are on the outside, but some butlers have got wise to this and have taken to movin' them around for a laugh. However, you can use this to your advantage 'cos no one knows the right ones to choose. So pick anything that looks useful and act with confidence. The chances are that the rest of the table will meekly join you and they'll be eating their soup with the teaspoons as if they'd meant to all along. I have to say, though, that the posher the dinner the fiddlier the food, and so you'll be one up on everybody if you learn to use the more difficult cutlery - asparagus tongs, pea shooters, parsnip spears and the like. They'll be useful for these tricky foods.
ARTICHOKES The ideal slimming food, as the effort of fiddling with and eating them uses up far more calories than they contain. You tear off each leaf individually, dip the fleshy end in the sauce and then scrape the soft part off with your teeth. Place the uneaten portion tidily on the side of your plate, although it is permissible to flick it into the lampshade. Artichokes were invented because rich people didn't have enough to do with their time.
ASPARAGUS Only ever eat these with your left hand, and never use a knife and fork, otherwise bluebirds will fly out of your nose. You dip the tip into the sauce, and then flip the end into your mouth using the asparagus flipper. Eat only the soft part - it is very vulgar to polish off every bit, however hungry you are. Since asparagus does some odd things to the digestion I'm amazed it's posh to eat, but it's probab'ly because it's hard to grow.
BREAD Again, use your left hand. Never bite pieces off your bread. Instead tear off little bite-sized pieces and pop them in individually, buttering them first, on a side plate, if preferred. If a fool or jester is employed, it is in order to throw rolls at him underarm.
BUTTER This will be displayed in pats on a separate dish. Take one pat and put it on your bread plate. Don't spread straight from the butter plate, because it will poison you.
CAVIAR The nobby way to eat caviar is from the little pad on the outside of your left hand, between your forefinger and thumb. However, since people also take snuff in a very similar way it is important not to get confused. It is not the noseful of fish eggs that is the problem, it is trying to pretend that you meant it. The much less etiquette way is to eat the caviar with accompaniments like chopped egg, onion and lemon juice. But the real way to eat caviar is with a ladle and a glass of the sort of drink that turns into vapour an inch from your lips.
CHEESE It is usual, when helping yourself from the cheeseboard, to endeavour to leave the cheese in a tidy and usable state for the next person. No one likes an untidy cheese. Use the cheese knife.
CORN ON THE COB In posh houses you'll be given two forks to skewer either end of the cob. Others will expect you to hold it with your fingers. However you eat it you will get bits of corn stuck in your teeth, which will provide oral exercise and a snack for later in the evening. If you need to remove your false teeth during this meal, do it politely behind a napkin. Do not do the 'gottle o'gear' routine, because no one ever laughs.
FISH It is now acceptable to eat fish with a knife and fork (instead of two forks, as used to be the accepted method; the use of the fish rammer has quite died out). Fillet as you go and never turn the fish over. If you do find yourself with a fishbone in your mouth, this should be spat into your left hand and placed on the side of your plate. Never use your fingers. If you are choking to death, nod respectfully to your host as you lose consciousness.
THE CHERRY PROBLEM People say to me, 'Mrs Ogg, how do you eat cherries and prunes and other things with stones when you're in posh company?' And I shall tell you. Eat these whole, spitting the stones into your left hand and discreetly depositing them on the side of your plate, even if an inviting target presents itself somewhere else on the table. However, if the hostess has had the foresight to provide cherrystone shooters, and indicates that these may now be used by delicately pinging one off the head of a guest at the other end of the table, much simple merriment my be enjoyed. Most countries have some equivalent to 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor', and it is in my opinion perfectly all right to swallow a few stones in order to square yourself with whatever profession you wish. What does a burst appendix matter if you get the job you want? It is not etiquette to nick a couple off a neighbour's plate in order to improve your prospects, but it is allowable to sell him some if you have some to spare. Royalty are also allowed to count their stones publicly, although of course the rhyme for them can only be 'King, King, King, King, King, King, King, King' (or 'Queen'), which does not make for much in the way of dramatic tension over the custard.
OYSTERS These should only be eaten on a day with a 'y' in it. They'll be served raw in their shells. You squeeze lemon over 'em and then just pour 'em down your throat. The sensation is a bit like having a bad cold and no handkerchief. And that's about it for oysters. They're much better if you cook them with a bit of bacon, because then they taste of bacon.
PASTA Eat this with a fork, never a fork and a spoon. Place the fork vertically on the plate and twist around a small portion of spaghetti, pulling to the side of your plate. Some big houses now boast a set of clockwork spaghetti forks, which can reduce the effort required.
PEAS In polite circles in Ankh-Morpork (and these are pretty small circles), peas are squashed onto the top side of the pea fork for conveying into the educated mouth. In Quirm, it is acceptable to blow them onto one side of the plate by means of a special straw.
SNAILS Most people rely on thrushes to dispose of these garden pests, but they are still considered a delicacy in Quirm. Much of the Quirm diet developed during a twenty-year siege, when the population scoffed its way through the entire contents of the zoo and were then reduced to turning over damp stones and hitting with a hammer anything that moved. Snails are eaten directly from their shells. Apparently there's something called a snail fork, but I don't see how they could hold one.
SOUP Always move the spoon away from you when picking up soup. You are allowed to bring it towards your mouth once the spoon is full. The bowl, too, should be tilted away from you when you are spooning upt the last drops. This is one of those bits of etiquette that makes sense. No one likes a lapful of hot soup. Ask anyone.
TEA AND COFFEE What to do when the tea or coffee is too hot is one of those little problems that crop up all the time. The correct way to deal with it is to put it into the saucer and fan it gently with your hat, while continuing to make polite conversation.
ALCOHOL It is scarcely necessary to remark that drinking too much wine is very bad etiquette indeed, my word yes. At one time it was actually fashionable to become intoxicated after dinner, but those days are gone, I am thankful to say. The wineglass is never drained at a draught in polite society (but see the section on Dwarf etiquette), nor should you wipe your mouth with your hand. That tablecloth is there for a reason.
